The Pain Of Loneliness

Does anyone ever feel lonely?

Does anyone ever feel confusion?

Does anyone ever have memory loss?

Does anyone else feel so raw inside, they feel there will never ever heal again?

Does anyone ever feel that they are on their own, and there’s just no one there to help them?

I live with my partner, and two young children. We don’t have a big family, and we don’t have any friends near. 

For me life is very lonely, I only really meet people by chance, and only for short chats. When I take or collect the kids from school, but it is awkward as I have to use a mobility scooter and people seem to stay away because of it. Because they don’t know what disorder I have, and no one cares to ask. 

I went to hospital last week, to see my spinal Neurosurgeon. There whilst waiting I met such a nice couple, two middle aged men, one was ill the other his Carer and partner. The Carer spoke to me starting the conversation, by using my mobility scooter to talk about getting about. 

His partner has rapid deteriorating MS, we were talking about memory loss which I have a lot now usually short term. The guy I was speaking with said here, listen. He then asked his partner who was the prime minister? He thought then answered David Cameron. When asked what year was it, he took longer to think then said 2015. Both times he was very positive with his answer. Sadly he is behind by two years, my Functional Movement Disorder has overlapping symptoms of other movement disorders, and it does frighten me that one day I may need full time care like this lovely man. He is very lucky to have such a caring and loving partner. It doesn’t phase him because he loves him.  This man was lonely too, he has a full time job caring for his partner which gives no time for him to do anything else.

The feeling of loneliness and not talking to people, leaves you feeling hollow.

Then again whilst waiting a woman spoke to me. She said “oh I could have done with one of those to get here, we went here there and everywhere to find the place”. That was the total conversation, and only about my mobility scooter which I find annoying. My mobility scooter isn’t to make my life easy, it is my legs when I got out, same as my wheelchair is! I just smiled at her, saying yes it’s a large place. She then turned back to her friend. If anything, this short chat then turning away, makes me feel more on my own, more lonely because I was on my own.

It doesn’t matter what I do, I always feel lonely. Whether I try to lose myself in painting, my uni work, or just try to watch a film. There always seems something that makes the loneliness come back.

I am so lonely 😟

Thanks as always for reading, and take care of you x

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