Hi it has been a while!

 Picture from Bing Images

I’ve not written for such a long time, I just have not been well enough to put the small amount of energy I had, into blogging. I have needed to give everything to myself, give me time to try to heal a little.

If we never stop and look at ourselves from the perspective as if we were looking at a mirror image, then we never actually see how ill we have become. I was ill, very ill. I was so busy looking after people in my group, or Facebook, or twitter. Answering other people’s questions, and forgetting to ask my own when at my appointments, that I forgot to look after me.

Then Christmas was upon us, I had to get all the presents sorted and wrapped and arrange for visiting, to where, with who, and when. All too much!!! It all became too much.

I imploded on myself, and got even worse. Following a very reserved Christmas, I got a bad chest infection. I couldn’t seem to shake it off, then my partner got it and we were both so run down it was hard work. The kids ended up looking after us, asking if we needed drinks or anything they could do for us. Bless them, they never let things get them down. I went to the doctors and got antibiotics for my chest, which eventually helped a little.

Though whilst having the chest infection, and holding my chest from soreness and coughing, I felt a lump. I did not know what to do, so I waited and checked it every day until I made an appointment and went back to the doctors. She checked me, and she found another lump with a mass. I was so scared. As it was sore and hot to the touch, the doctor thought it may be an infection, Mastitis. I took the antibiotics I was prescribed, they were a high dosage to work fast. I went back the following week, and she checked me again. We both agreed that we thought the lumps had gone down slightly, but she was not happy to leave it, and referred me to the breast clinic. It was a scary wait, it was nearly a week before they rang me with an appointment to go in the following week. This meant it was five weeks since I had found it, but I was okay I knew I could feel it was still going down. The check up would just be a precaution, and it was okay I could deal with that.

The clinic was quiet, I was with my partner as were some other women. I felt for the ones who were alone, but not everyone wants to tell what they are going through. The nurses were caring, the doctor who checked me was careful not to push on the breast too hard. The Mammogram pressed, that was painful but you just bite your lip and get on with it. We went off to wait for the results to be done, we went and had lunch and then got a call to go back for the results. I knew it was going to be okay, but my heart was beating so fast! We went into the doctor’s office, sat down, and it was all clear. just mastitis which had gone away with the antibiotics. Though now I am to go for a scan every three years, and check myself regularly. Something we forget to do when there are so many other things that seem to get in the way of thinking about yourself.

People think, that because I don’t write about everything anymore, that I must be okay. That because I can answer their questions and help them, that I come over as being strong, therefore I am okay. I am not okay, I haven’t been for so long now it is just the norm for me to be ill. Yet I am disabled, I am in pain constantly, I take so many medications to help to live day-to-day, sometimes just to get through the days. That because I get on with things, with life, that I am okay. Yet you only have to ask my partner, who knows that at the weekend it is so hard to drag myself out of bed. That I have little to no energy for anything anymore.

But I am still here, tired and worn down, but I am still here. I just have to keep my energy for myself more, though I still care very much about everyone else out there. That suffers the same or similar as I do, that keeps getting up every day and fights to have a life.

We are still here, and still fighting one day at a time.

You can follow my facebook ‘Functional Movement Disorder’ page here: https://www.facebook.com/movementdisorda/

Thanks as always for reading 🙂


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